I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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