Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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