What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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