He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
