If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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