All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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