I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
