ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
