She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
