Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
