3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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