I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Randomize
