people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Never joke about your clitoris.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
