On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
