Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
