I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
