I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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