I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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