You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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