HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
