I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Randomize
