So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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