I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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