she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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