sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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