I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
