im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
