The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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