I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
