Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
