if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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