Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
it's like iHOP with fire
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize
