How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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