nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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