I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
