If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
