I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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