May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
