I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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