You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
