I want to stick my p in your. b.
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm getting married
To pizza
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
