hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
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