Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
