That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Randomize
