Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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