Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
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