Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
