Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
