All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
i can't believe i had my finger in that
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
