was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
