I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
