I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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