I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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