I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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