Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
